It's a trap...

For my daughter, my nieces and other young women...stuff you need to know.....

I was thinking the other day about how gullible I used to be. I thought about how weak I was, how desperate I was to be loved..accepted..by anyone. To belong, to be adored, to be a part of a group I could assemble into a haphazard family...something was better than nothing. Some of this comes from my mom dying at a young age. Some of it comes from living in several homes, before finding what I thought was a new family. Of course, that was a slow motion trainwreck. Suffice it to say my "fill in" family was ruled by a narcissist of the worst kind, who did such a number on me that I never wanted to trust anyone again.
It comes from my high school sweetheart and best friend deciding to screw each other behind my back.
It comes from being sabataged constantly by my adopted mother/narcissist. It comes from trying to find the love in a man that I never had..and choosing all sorts of jackasses to give my body to, only, they never really cared about me. They liked the way I made them feel about themselves. Nothing makes a guy feel manly like a self-effacing woman who throws herself at his feet just so he will talk to her.
Yeah.
I wish I wasn't like that. I really do.
However, my thirst for love and acceptance attracted narcissists and other predators like piranhas.

So many times in my life, I just wanted to be loved. When my marriage to my daughter's dad didn't work out..I spent three years or so in a deep depression. I went through the motions, went on some terrible dates. I invested myself, from time to time, with a guy who really seemed like a good fit, on the surface. Later, I would find out that he had some heavy duty deal breakers for me to ponder. Someone should really tell women..that it's true no one is perfect. Everyone has faults. But it's not our responsibility to fix, apologize for or be the blame for. They are big boys. If they can't reach down and find their balls, you don't want them, trust me. Because forever and ever until you leave them or they die, everything will be your fault. They will never say sorry ( and mean it) and they will blame everyone else. Their behavior is to be excused because of a hard life, absent father or because they don't like doctors, therapists because they are quacks.
These men will always believe they are the most attractive of you two. While you only have eyes for him, he is looking for the next best thing. Eventually, he either stays with you because you have no boundaries and put up with his shit, or he will drop you in some lame ass way. He'll jump on his next victim like a thirsty tick and snuggle into her and suck her dry. Meanwhile, you'll be crying buckets into a gallon of Rocky Road, looking like you styled your hair with an egg beater wearing your granny pj's, asking yourself why he didn't love you or what you did wrong.
Um..I'll say it again. He won't love you, he loves himself more, in a very unhealthy way. We all must love ourselves enough to be emotionally healthy, but we should not believe the sun shines out our butthole or that we are exempt from being nice and considerate.

When I got back into the dating game..I dated some real winners. I was more than accepting and loving when they spoke of severe issues with committment, and I was more than willing to be that backburner girl. When they referred to all their exes as crazy bitches, I nodded sympathetically. When they were rude to waiters and cashiers, I turned away, embarrassed, but I said nothing. When they ran up my phone bill from looking at porn or ordering videos, I bitched, but did nothing. When they spent all their money on video games, pot or clothes, I walked around with holes in my underwear, but said nothing.
If I did say something, it was passive aggressive..and all that gave them was ammo to either call me horrible names or ignore me and have sex chat with other women. Everything was my fault. I worked my ass off to bring in money, but my money went to pay all the bills. Some of them I was stupid enough to live with. My house would be filthy, and even if they were home all day, dinner would not be cooked. Laundry would be dirty. The dog hadn't been let outside all day and had begun a poop sculpture in the linen closet.

Eventually I got smart, but the few I lived with and exposed my daughter to were the worst. To this day I marvel that I could pick out the two biggest assholes in the United States, love them, have relations with them and trust them.
What the hell?

The most heartbreaking relationship of my life occured when my sister was struggling with cancer. In January of 2008 I started talking to a guy on Myspace (groan) from Indiana. He was very good looking (to me), charming, funny. Now when I look back, the warning signs were there right away, however, I was in the throes of grief. My sister and I were very close. We had been through a lot of crap together growing up. I could not comprehend fully that she might pass away.
I was desperate to not be alone. I wanted to be closer in location to her. I lived in Kansas, and my best friend offered to let my daughter and I stay with her. My best friend lived in Missouri. This should have been enough, to be with my best friend..but I felt like the times called for a man.
Bryon said all the right things. He listened to me talk, and offered positive views of looking at things. I fell in love with this asshole over the phone and internet. When I went to St. Louis to my best friend's house, he came to visit.
When I should have been holding close my daughter, best friend and family, I was all about Bryon, because every time I thought about Renee, I'd become so depressed I couldn't function. Eventually Bryon was invited to stay with us in St. Louis.
Now, I'm HORRIFIED that this ever happened.

Bryon, Jackie and I drove to Kansas to see Renee. The day after I got to Tennessee, Renee went into the hospital, and she never left. For over a month, we all spent time at the hospital. I was completely blind to everything. I spent as much time with Renee as I could, and cried so many tears. Bryon pretended to listen, but was always on his cell phone. Later I found out he was texting other women..having sex chat.
Sometimes I was in a horrible mood, angry at the world..other times, I was in tears....
Bryon had stopped being sympathetic a week after we got to Tennessee. I felt so alone.
My daughter..I'm horrified..was stumbling along with me...just trying to make it day by day. I really feel like shit that I didn't talk to her more. I just felt so lost..and didn't know how to really connect with anyone.
The day Renee was buried, Bryon made some lame ass excuse not to go. I found out later he hooked up with some local girl. I had found a job at the local mall, and was working. Sleeping on the floor in our trailer was killing my body.
The depression edged out all sunlight. Every day was drudgery. I would get in the shower and cry..and think about how much everything sucked. My nieces and nephews were in hell..and it seemed exhausting to even think about talking to them a lot. My brother in law was in grief..and he was also just trying to get through the days.
Of course, Bryon was all about being an asshole. He yelled at my nieces and nephew. He yelled at my kid. He hit on my sister in law, and stole money from people I love. I had no idea about the stealing, but I'm ashamed to say..I spoke to him about being an asshole to my family..and it went in one ear and out the other. He was unapologetic, a classic narcissist. He did what he wanted. I stayed with him because I was so lost...so out of it.
And then one day..I wasn't. I started thinking about it. This man was never going to do right by me. I signed my vehicle over to him and my daughter and I left town. I felt like I was smothering in Tennessee..and I felt this was something that was really good for both of us. And in a lot of ways, it was. In some ways, it sucked, but Bryon was gone. He moved in with and married his sex chat buddy. I feel sorry for her.

Guys like him will tell you that you will be back. They will insinuate that no one else will want you or put up with you. They will tear you down in a million little ways and isolate you from your friends. Your feelings nor your needs will never be honored.
You cannot change a man, ladies.

I'm telling you this because these are things I did not know. You need to know.
People will only respect the boundaries you enforce. If you don't demand respect, you won't get it either. These guys have no incentive to treat you better.
And if they are being an ass now, chances are, since they are on their best behavior before you commit, that no wedding nor child will make them grow up.
Either way, you need to decide if you want to be miserable or not. I can be miserable by myself. I spent a few years alone before meeting Mike, and I used that time to explore my passions, and work on my own issues.
I do have a lot of issues, but they are mine to deal with.
People who love you and respect you want the best for you. They respect your feelings, and take time to listen to you.
Life is hard enough for us as individuals without having to be responsible for grown adults.
Please take a moment to discard all shits you can give about people's opinions. If a person doesn't have a history of being supportive, let that go in one ear and out the other. It is just a fart in the wind.

We all make mistakes. We all date douchebags and dillholes. None of us are perfect. Please don't stay in a crappy relationship because people will talk. The thing is, their lives are not perfect. And if they are an asshole..and aren't focusing on their lives but love talking about you, they are pathetic and bored. Don't give them power over you.

You, Ms. Lady, are responsible for who you are now. You are responsible for the choices you make, and own all of them. Don't let anyone use them against you. Know when you are wrong, admit when you are wrong. Apologize. But for crap's sake, don't grovel. Don't spend every day apologizing. You try to make right and move on.

Don't marry for the sake of being married. Truth be told..it's not all it's cracked up to be. But know that as much as sex is important, it's not everything. Some day, you will have hair in all the wrong places and be bald in the wrong ones too. If you don't have a friendship established, you will not like each other. That's miserable.
Take time to be friends too.
Try not to be jealous. It's not healthy. Have likes and intersts of your own. Do not let anyone tell you how to dress or who to talk to.
You are not property.
You do not owe a man sex. I don't care if he buys you a 99 cent taco, mows your grass or takes you to Vegas. Establish right away what the expectation is.
Listen to your gut too. If something seems off, it probably is. It's better to be a little embarassed or annoyed than dead.
Don't settle.
Money and status shouldn't matter as much as integrity and kindness.

Women of my generation seem to come from a few sorts of upbringings..
Some were raised by mothers that pushed them to be independent, to think for themselves, to blaze their own trails. If you did everything right, the right man would eventually come along. Or not. They were not raised with the final goal of settling down and getting married.
There were others who learned in a million ways to doubt themselves. They were trained to be manipulative damsels in need of rescuing. Blend, adapt, play stupid..but do whatever necessary to land a man. That man was security and safety. If you did not have a man by a certain age, speculation would arise about your faults. You are told to lower your expectations, wear more makeup, ditch the high heels if he's short.
Or it could be completely a clusterfuck of confusing messages.

My mom grew up in a society where you needed a man around. The sad thing is, when you are taught that a man is security, you become less interested in providing for yourself. You become dependent on a man for your food, your money, your home. You learn to suck up your emotions, and you put up with an insane amount of bullshit or neglect to keep those things. My mom married twice, both times, young, beaming, hopeful about a future with the man she loved. She had no idea what awaited her, and she didn't know about the period after the honeymoon, or even what could happen should tough circumstances arise. And kids..I don't think for a moment my mom ever regretted any of us. Still, loud, boisterous, messy kids have a way of edging out romance. It just happens. When real life settles in, it's a rude awakening. Eventually, a woman will happen upon her wedding album covered with dust. She will dust it off and open it, peruse the pictures..remembering how wonderful that day was. She will laugh, cry and reminisce. She will study the pictures of her and her husband. That day they were jubilant, hopeful, happy.
The woman will close the book, and ponder..what the fuck happened. It will seem like a million years since that wonderful day..and the people in the pictures cutting the cake together will seem like strangers. Not only does the woman not really know her husband anymore, but she will most likely realize she lost herself somewhere in the trenches of marriage.
She will regret not smearing cake all over his face...and wonder who she would have been had she not told her potential "Bye, Felicia!" and immersed herself in ordering drapes and decorating their first modest home with thrift store finds.

Girls, live a full life. Be yourself. You are a wonderfully made creation of God, and any man worth his salt will just want to be with you for the ride. You are exciting and fun and unique.
If any of you become a Stepford after I wrote all this, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Lol.

I don't want any of you to regret not doing things. Live a brave life..and be smart.
I love you...
Me