A few weeks ago, I went to Oregon to see my daughter graduate high school. It was such an awesome experience. If you ever have the chance to spend time in Oregon, do so! It is an incredibly beautiful place!
Baby girl, by the way, has done so well it is heartening and yet a big frightening. A beautiful woman with brains is a triple threat.
I'm incredibly proud of her for working her tail off when she could've just been a human sloth like I was.She graduated with honors, and has decided on pre-med.
She glows. She's independent. She's far more sure of herself than I ever was.
She has made her own way.
Baby boo, way to go. You have shown your doubters the door! Woot!
I stayed at a hostel in Eugene. I totally recommend it if you are looking for the full immersion experience. From all corners of the world, I met and spent time with the most interesting people. Eventually I'll upload the pics, but just know the pics you see don't approach the level of awesome that the trip was. Vivid landscapes, vivid people, breathtaking beauty and nature. Heaven.
I didn't have air conditioning, television or a normal meal for almost a week. I was on my own pretty much, because baby girl got a job. After a few days I started thinking about how I was the one to book a vacation alone, spend time with strangers in a new place, doing new things, without some modern conveniences, and I was HAPPY.
It was huge to me.
Shortly before I left for the trip, I reconnected with a friend I'd stopped speaking to about a year ago. It ended about a week ago in me saying "I can't do this." Honestly, it could have been the wrong time, but the truth is that I was way too triggered. It makes me sad. I cannot decide if it was her actions or inaction that led to this fracture but I do know, I'm having the worst time getting past it. And as much as I love her, she is still doing the same things, in the same crappy spot..and it's not working for her. I've grown past the need to have someone around at all times to make me feel good. She hasn't. Even if a person is toxic, she finds it preferrable to being alone. It's annoying.
Its not that she's a bad person, it is that she hasn't really grown but expects our relationship to heal and progress. I'm sad for her. I mourn our friendship, but I'm relieved to go back to doing my own thing. It's not selfishness, it's self-preservation. If a person or situation makes you feel bad about yourself, it's usually toxic. I just cannot with that crap.
I can't fix her issues. She's gotta fix her own. After a year of not speaking, I went right back to feeling those same feelings, and that was that I wasn't pleasing her. That she was pouting. The silent treatment, and then acting as if she wasn't doing that. I'm not stupid. If a few hours passed, or a day, or I didn't call her every other day, or tag her in something, I KNEW she was pouting. She was pissed because she felt she wasn't important to me anymore. It wasn't that! I have a life and I'm busy. No other friend gives me that level of grief when I'm busy.
It's codependency and passive agressive at it's finest. I can't do it. She needs to want better for herself. She used to be this precious, sweet, loving person, and I'm not sure what happened, but the "her" I knew is gone. For her kids, and herself, I want her to find peace..and get something good going, so that she can build herself back up. It's not in my hands, tho.
Not sure if it's my age, or because I've been down this road with her and other people a million times. My tolerance for infantile behavior is nil. So, yeah, I let her go. Not sure if it's forever, but our relationship has been rocky off and on for 6 years. I'm addressing my issues. I'm taking accountability and growing. If only one of us is doing that, it's not going to work.
You can't join up where things used to be. Too much has happened and too much time has passed. Being truly willing to start over involves meeting in the middle. I'm not meeting someone 3 feet from the finish line and pretending that I'm ok with doing the inner work and dealing with a person who has not, because you end right back up in the same hole.
I think my activism was too much for her. Shit, I've been doing it for over a decade. It's true that the Michael Brown verdict didn't help, since even though she hates police, she was on their side anytime there was a Black victim. We had issues starting years ago. One of my issues was her dormant racism. She was more offended by being called a racist than she was about actually being one. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I see now that her hate is a symptom of a lifetime of feeling invisible, feeling angry and being mistreated. Her hate gave her an outlet for that anger, and it happens that many people adore the hate bandwagon. She had an outlet and she had affirmation. So, yeah..I guess if it helps you not focus on your own yard full of dogshit and dead birds, by all means.
Still it wasn't Mike Brown that was the final nail. The final nail was her husband thinking he could get away with being a douchebag and brute Spring of 2014. He thought I'd let him hit her and threaten to kill her in front of her kids. He threatened to bash my head in. He's been terrorizing her and her children for years. But then he threatened to bash my head in and supposedly I'm the only crazy one. I'll show you crazy.
Honey, I am not the one. First, that shit isn't ok. Two..um..I'm a bit sensitive but it's only when a person comes at me. I never seek violence ever, but woe to the one who thinks I'll tolerate being hit on or brutalized. CPTSD comes with a nasty reaction to being threatened.
This is why I'm not currently attending protests. I know this isn't about me. Yet, you get some vanilla gorilla threatening me with his big bad gun and badge..I'm a bit worried I might lose my shit. As long as a person doesn't touch me, it might be ok. But if he does..let's just say I'm gonna be the dead moron on tv who also hijacked an event and detracted from the message.
So yeah, I'm in therapy. I'm not as angry as I used to be, but I spent many years being abused and brutalized and silenced, and it's not in my DNA now to be a willing accomplice to my own undoing. Backing me up into a wall isn't smart, though.
Therapy is really helping me, and I just started two new vision boards. I'm excited and surprised to learn what's still important to me and what no longer is. I find that I'm a big fan of strong women, and have positive strong words to say about myself and my hopes for this world. It's pretty awesome to see some recurring themes about justice, writing, strength and a lack of give a shit..lol about popularity.
I've been at a standstill with my book for sometime now. I write in other forums, and update my facebook with mini diatribes about whatever injustice I'm looking at that moment. The subject of my mom's death and my own victimization is never really that far from my consciousness. I do find that I'm less willing to think about it too in depth. I'll have flashes of memory, of a place or a time but otherwise, nothing.
I talk about it in therapy, occasionally, but it's occurred to me that lately I seem to be a bit preoccupied with my relationship with my adopted mother. After all the years of feeling that I was a disappointment, or not good enough, or that I was the perfect target, I get angry. It's because I realised that she is a narcissist and that what she did to me was abuse. Knowing I was almost murdered, that I was abused sexually and physically, you'd think she'd do her best to make sure my time with her was filled with validation and tenderness. It wasn't. I was just narcissistic supply and when I stopped letting her hurt me, she was angry. She did in fact, seek out new supply. They have no idea what she truly is about, but then again, they most likely have no concept of psychology.
I forgive them for being unaware.
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