People ask me how I did it. The nice people ask questions in a nice way. The rude ones come right out and assume and ask if I had gastric bypass surgury. I think what burns my ass about that one is they are insinuationg that gastric bypass is an easy copout, and although that was not my route, it's annoying. I don't begrudge others their methods.
I did it the hard way. Starting in 2009, I began walking. Initially, it was tough to walk 200 feet to my mailbox. I didn't have a vehicle at the time, and the bus was an option. Eventually, waiting an hour for the bus to drive me a mile down the street was no longer an option. Trust me, I wanted to be lazy. I wanted to sit down all the time. I truly hated exercise.
I had times where I'd walk two miles uphill and then up five flights of stairs to get home after being on my feet all day. My body hurt so bad sometimes I wanted to cry. I had done this to myself, and as easy as it was to put the weight on, it was going to be hell to get off.
Exercise seemed very easy if I was doing something I enjoyed. So I'd hop on a bus and go downtown and walk for hours through the cute little neighborhood shops and plazas. My pedometer would tell me I'd walked a mile or two that day. I'd be thrilled.
I became conscious of what I was putting in my mouth. Was I hungry or thirsty or bored? Did I really need this?
I had to examine my diet. I began to fill up on protein and veggies, and be more selective about the amount of fat I would eat. I switched to a high fiber, thinner bread for sandwhiches, and stopped putting mayo on them. Horseradish or spicy mustard was the only option now.
High fiber foods replaced candy bars, and water became my go to drink. Sometimes I'd flavor the water. I then cut back on soda. I'd allow myself one each day, then one every few days.
It seemed that for the first time in a while, I was gaining control. With control came confidence. I found myself walking more, and actually becoming enthusiastic about my life. I found friends who liked to discuss nutrition, and researched healthy methods to losing weight and gaining strength.
I allowed myself treats. I allowed myself to have a day a week of eating whatever I wanted, as long as I'd exercised the week before.
It worked very well. I've lost about 200 lbs. I have 60 to go.
Was it hard? Hell yes. I couldn't expect to lose weight without exercising. I couldn't keep the weight off without changing my habits. My relationship with food had been unhealthy for so long. Change takes time.
I found a gym and a trainer still in school who was super cheap.
It was no longer necessary to hype myself up to exercise. It was becoming an activity I looked forward to. I gave no shits about what I looked like in workout clothes, and realized that most people at the gym were working to better themselves. The gym was my second home.
I mixed strength training with cardio.
The weight peeled off.
There were times I hit a plateau, and I'd have to mix it up. I'd have to hike instead of ride a bike. I'd have to do more walking than strength training. My body did resist a bit, but I'm stubborn. I kept at it.
Never give up, you hear me?
You have to know, you are worth it. You have to do it for you. You have to know that what keeps you unhealthy is up to you and no one else. And it's you that chooses to let something make you eat and drink too much. It's your decision.
For years, people..strangers..family would try to guilt..shame me into losing weight. The things they said were jarring, if only because it was true or just rude. I still had to want to do it myself. Guilt and shame don't work. Initially, they might nudge a person, but what keeps a person going is drive, confidence..tenacity. Are you going to let someone else decide if you are healthy and happy? Of course not. Eventually, you will see that this is yours and yours alone to do.
You can have a support team, but it's you that needs to change. You need to move. You need to want to be healthy. Make sure you depend most on those that will motivate you and build you up.
Some people are driven by wanting to look sexy. Some are driven by wanting to be healthy. Whatever drives you, please make sure that while you are changing your outside, that you deal with your inside as well. You need to know, if you don't address your demons that the weight will come back.
This is why I didn't do gastric bypass. It works wonderfully for many, but I know for myself, it would be a quick fix, and I needed time to evolve with my body. I knew that my habits were rooted and it would behoove me to slowly find a way to get down to the very basics to change them.
Today, I'm a different person. I look different. I feel different. This is the me I'm supposed to be. Sure, I have extra skin. Sure, I'm 40. Still, I can cross my legs. I can sit on a chair or even the ground without worrying. I can seat myself at a restaraunt without getting stuck. I can move, I have energy. I am happy.
Once upon a time, I could barely tie my shoes. I couldn't sit in a plastic chair without fear of it breaking. People told fat jokes about me to my face. There were so many indignities woven into my obesity that I wanted to live the rest of my life inside.
I got sick and tired of being lethargic.
It took a change within myself to get the process started.
It was one step at a time.
One step.
Fat was my insulation against the world, specifically men. I'm not gonna share all the deets right now, but I was so afraid of men that I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to avoid drawing attention and abuse. It took me a long time to realize that my chronic overeating was dually damaging. I was hurting my body and allowing myself to become isolated. The men who hurt me still had a grip on me. Food needed to become sustenance, and my soul needed to heal.
I'm glad to say I'm not afraid of men anymore. I have become a force. Life is something I live to the fullest every day, and I smile as much as I can. Joy in just being and living has become my focus. Gratitude is something I have and share with others.
This is the only life I have. There was a time it was dark, bleak and sad. These days, I am so thankful that I was able to dig my way out of it. Yes, I still struggle at times with anxiety and depression, but I now have the tools and proper coping mechanisms to artfully maneuver myself into a better state of mind. It was a lot of work to get here. Just the thought of it makes me a bit tired, but I did it.
I'm worth it.
You are too.
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