Procrastination

I'm the queen of making a bigger deal out of issues than necessary. Maybe it's because anxiety was my main blankie for so long. Preparations seem to elevate me to near hysteria, but I'm doing much better. Still, I falter and it's so embarrassing. I have been asked multiple times why I do this, and I don't have an answer.

I learned a few years ago to just put one foot in front of the other. I try to avoid looking up the mountain. Baby steps keep me from being intimidated and prevents my next favorite blankie, which is procrastination. Years ago, when my sister made me promise to change my life, I spent MONTHS actively avoiding doing anything. I think it was because when I tallied how much weight I had to lose, the changes I had to make, it was so overwhelming. I knew that to lose weight, I had to move. I was so focused on how fat I looked in workout clothes and the possibility of being mooed at by passing drivers that I was immobilized by fear. Worse, I knew that my weight issues were symptoms of unresolved emotional trauma and that I would need to get counseling.

I knew to get a degree, I would have to research schools and fill out paperwork. I would have to attend classes I wouldn't always like, be forced to interact with strangers and attend school consistently.

To become happy in my life, I would have to do some serious soul searching. I would need to decide who belonged in my life and who didn't. I would need to evaluate why I repeatedly chose and exposed myself to people who would hurt or betray me. I'd need to mull over my mistakes, take responsibility for them and try to avoid making them again.
Really, all of this stuff seemed exhausting. The thought of it sent me straight to the pantry. Oreo cookies told me my life was fabulous and that eventually, the right situation would just fall into my lap.

My sister's death forced me to be in the present, to think. It was something I'd avoided for so long that my life was a mess. Because I was passive, avoidant and intimidated I found myself trying to extricate myself from a mountain of debt, broken relationships and 240 lbs of extra weight.

What changed to make me do something?
You know, I'm really not sure. I mean, there are some people who flitted into my life that made me confront my issues with intimacy, trust and friendship. What was true? What was not? Who was an asshole, and who was really in my corner?

I learn things the hard way. I make mistakes on my own because I always wanted to know for myself why something was a bad idea. This might be flaming middle finger to life spent under the thumbs of men who wanted me to obey, abstain, forget because they said so.
There were some exceptions. I didn't need to jump in front of a train to know I could die. I didn't need to consume a glass of Drano, or pick a fight with a gangsta to know it was not smart.
Still, I tried most things most people were too scared to. It was because the only way to know for sure if something was for me or not was to experience it. So I did.
I don't really have a lot of regrets. One or two, maybe.
The rest of it, made me who I am today. I happen to love who I am today.

Most of my life, I have tried very hard to finish what I start. The thought of failure was what kept me from starting most things in the first place. After my sister died, I started losing weight, I got my degree, and started counseling. Good relationships stayed, the bad..I ended them. I became vocal.
I have accomplished a lot.
I'm proud that I did what I set out to do.
Now I write this memoir. I pray that I can find the right words to inspire others to live a brave life. It can be done. Life sucks sometimes. No one ever said it was easy. Realize like I did, that nothing worth really having is more valuable than when you've earned it.